Java Lords

Atlanta, Georgia

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This will probably be a negative review. If so, it will not be necessarily Java Lords’s fault. The coming of the new year has this tableauxist reflecting on the last 12 months, which have contained some of his life’s most abysmal moments since 2004. The upcoming months look to be no less of a test. From all accounts in the mass media, 2008 is the worst year in decades by numerous metrics, and far worse is yet to come — and that is the optimistic view. Thus, the typically discounted misanthrope finds himself surrounded by similarly sour minds.

java lords, atlanta

Being in such a dour and surly mood perhaps is not the proper condition in which one should open up a new tableaux, but House One: Hider-In-The-House has crashed and my own newly self-inflicted daily project has proven impossible to break through. Unsatisfied, then, I focus my wrath upon Java Lords in lieu of other outlets.

I am surprised that JHT has not already covered this place. Atlanta is more his town than mine, now, and there are not many other coffee shops left for him to tableau. I presume he is occupied by spending every free moment at Dr. Bronner’s or whatever that coffee place we went to after the Portman speech is called.

Whatever the case, I do not really have any place writing this tableau; I didn’t pay much attention to the operation of this shop when I visited. Both times I was full of potato and broccoli burritos from El Myr that I would have rather been purging in an alley or toilet room than having sink like stones in my bowels. Through the pain, there are a few things I vaguely recall noticing; maybe the reader finds them valuable:

  • The cafe is open to the box office of a theater or concert hall.
  • Some flyers for Phantasm.
  • The coffee is from Cafe Campesino.
  • The restroom is enormous (possibly due to association with theater.)
  • A full scale crucifix lords over the outdoor seating area (shared w/ a falafel or Vietnamese restaurant).
  • Some paper bags for sale as art (verified).
  • Coffee served in paper cups(?)

java lords, atlanta

What I definitely remember from both of my visits, the most important point regarding Java Lords, is that there were foxy ladies behind the counter — and each was accompanied by a male cockblocker who charged across the room to intercede us before said fox could take our orders.

The male cockblocker. He is a different animal than the female variety found at bars and parties dragging their more attractive friends away from hot guys. Still, you’ve seen the type. Guys who have no charm or charisma, so their strategy is serve as a wet blanket thrown over any interaction between their attractive female ‘friends’ and any approaching dandies from a local collaborative constructive. Imagine, if possible, a reversal of Blane’s and Ducky’s roles in Pretty in Pink. These guys reckon that their coworker will have an awful taste in her mouth, metaphorically, after each exchange with a customer, and will eventually give up and fall into the cockblocker’s embrace. It is a twisted Pavlovian exercise by the cockblocker, as he is responsible for the distasteful event to begin with.

For fuck’s sake, one of them was wearing one of those Bluetooth earplug things for his cell phone when he took our orders! For a fuller description of at least one of the baristas, try searching for ‘short yellow dress’ along with ‘handsome soymilk drinker’ on Atlanta craigslist missed connections.

In conclusion, I guess my points are that I did not spend much effort thinking about Java Lords before writing this, and that it’s a good thing some douchebag in a headset took my order because I wouldn’t have known how to talk to the girl in the yellow dress, in any event.

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Java Lords

1105 Euclid Ave NE
Atlanta, Georgia 30307

soymilk: extra charge
fair trade: available

5 Responses to “Java Lords”

  1. TNZ

    “shared w/ a falafel or Vietnamese restaurant”

    Are you kidding me? Its a Mediterranean restaurant.
    Falafel is not a Vietnamese food. Wayyyyyy Different part of the globe!

  2. Holly

    @TNZ. I think the dude was saying Lords is next to Either a falafel place OR a vietnamese place, not that they were the same thing. They got a cat living in there too.

  3. Hodge

    same as it ever was.
    same as it ever was.

  4. dashstar

    The cockblocker (based on the description of the bluetooth headset) in this episode was one of the owners. He hangs behind the counter to expedite orders and greet customers. I don’t believe he was trying to stop anyone from talking to the female baristas. In fact, according to management policy, they hire cute baristas in order to encourage the obvious male customer response. The bar stools that are set at the end of the bar are there to provide a place for male admirers to watch and engage the female employers. Those seats are referred to as the “suitor chairs” to accommodate the guys who come in to moon over the female baristas, and there are plenty of would-be suitors. However, it is a great source of entertainment, especially to the bluetoothed owner. He is the one who set it up and he is usually found chuckling about the poor fellows who line up to try for the girl’s favors. I find it amusing myself to know there is a whole strata of lonely guys who go from coffee shop to coffee shop trying to date female baristas. Sounds forlorn and unfortunately kind of desperate.

  5. j.h. trefry

    Today at the suitor’s gallery was an overly tall bro in overly short shorts sequentially breaking his own record for how loud he could say ‘fuck’ indoors while drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon. FUCK! THAT! SHIT! COFFEE! WITH! SOY!

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